“Oh love! It comes and goes but no one ever tells you how to learn to let go”, I was listening to Passenger’s ‘Survivors’ from his Runaway album in the silence of my room a couple of days ago, and pondering on the lyric (I’m a sucker for music with good lyrics and that’s what actually draws me to artists)and that part really spoke to me. Our generation is one that definitely got exposed to love really early (at least I did). The sad thing is that we never really figured out what love was before we delved head on into it. Good news is that we can pass a little of the blame to our parents who are from the generation where to explain puberty to a child is wahala, but I like to think that if they knew better, they would definitely have done better. Sadly, the blame game has to be short lived. With parents like that we had to navigate through adolescence using remote and primitive tools such as peer pressure and social media.
Love is not hard e, after all we had seen all the TV series and we had read all the romance novels – you like a girl, you walk up to her or add her up on 2go and tell her, not forgetting to spice it up with lines from the ‘LOVELY SMS’ books you get from roadside booksellers, and if she agrees, BOOM! You both are in a relationship sealed by registering each other’s phone numbers for the MTN magic talk and of course, mid night calls. Let’s not forget the walk back from school together and gifts for each other during Valentine. But relationships do end and Alas! We are not prepared for the rude awakening and most of us never recover from it, and the few who do have lots of survival marks to show for it. What else did we expect but a crash when we were speeding on love’s crooked paths, pumped up with adrenaline as our fuel? (I’m a poet and I’m sorry I had to throw in that line) It had to be fatal – the accident because we didn’t even have our seat belts on or a functional airbag at least. I believe that there’s danger in neglecting that heart breaks do happen and the fact that no one actually tells us how to heal and I fear that there’s not enough of this kind of message in circulation.
So, my relationship journey started pretty early, it was with this boy like that (don’t ask me who abeg), he was cool but we never had that connection on any level. In all honesty, I didn’t ‘like him – like him’, I just liked him but the pressure from peers was massive and pleated skirt was more than enough pressure I could handle. So, I did what most teenagers would do, I gave in. My relationships after that were a bunch of jokes; one even lasted for a week. So I never really experienced what a real heart break was until this one time when your girl fell or rather stumbled hopelessly in love. That was after secondary school, just before university and he had to school really far and we couldn’t handle the distance so it didn’t work out. Men and brethren, your baby girl was devastated; I wasn’t paying attention in class and my grades were crying out for help. Looking back now, I think I understand the Shulamite woman in Songs of Solomon when she said to not wake love up before its time, because love can actually get you running mental especially if you are someone who gives your all. Eventually, after 2 years (it’s definitely more than 2 years, I’m just using this one to save face), I had to come to the realization that good things do come to an end sometimes and I stopped stalking this borbor on social media and moved on.
So, the same song by Passenger says “everybody is looking for somebody to love but we’re scared to let them in” and I concur with it. That’s the danger of not actually healing completely from a heart break; it affects our future relationships and let’s not even get started on the fact that in seeking comfort in the past, we miss the present which is a gift, ever wondered why they call it the present? I know that memories of the past may flood our heads and wouldn’t just go away like a reoccurring decimal, but in truth, looking at the past and dwelling in yesteryears memories does a lot of harm to our present and could even cost us our future.
I’m not in any way telling you to jump from relationship to relationship immediately after you break up oh like it’s a relay race because I actually opt for the “taking a you time”; a time where you focus on healing from hurt and developing yourself more so you can attract better and taking time to list your priorities. Meanwhile, some of us actually need counseling from CERTIFIED EXPERTS not random relationship pages on instagram. The thing about these relationship pages is that just anybody drops their opinion about your delicate life issues and you know that opinion is the cheapest of all things. You can also get advice on what to do from reading books and watching videos from EXPERTS. You can also reach out to trusted family members and friends. Whatever you do, don’t go and be forming hard guy or hard girl, meanwhile you are soaking your pillow with tears daily and stalking your Ex on social media. There is no shame in seeking counseling and saying it’s not a ‘black person thing’ is actually very 2000 and late.
Till I come your way next time, I remain your one and only!
I LOVE YOU!